KAMAL, SHARUKH AND THE MEDIA MUSLIM

Yes sir, i'm gonna cash in on the Vishvaroopam controversy. I'm gonna have my share of the celebrity bashing pie and beat my chicken breasts (metaphorically of course) about it. One more movie is threatened by fanatics, one more star says he feels his million dollar home is not safe for him and once again, neighbourhood Pakis are poking their nose. This is PERFECT MEDIA CURRY! All its missing is the spicy touch of Pakistan's foreign minister.
It is definitely not a case where Muslims are protesting against a Hindu movie. The educated and tolerant Muslims, the ones i refer to as the REAL MUSLIMS would not object to it. The ones we see on TV are just the political ones, the MEDIA MUSLIMS who gather and blow their trumpet in front of the cameras. I wonder why the REAL ones are not given a chance to speak. Our news watching, and our relations would be much more peaceful.Period.
Either Kamal Hassan has been insulted, or we have been taken on a ride for one of the biggest media gimmicks ever pulled off. Yup, he is a great star. He is also an arrogant one, for whom self-praise is essential. He is one of the greatest artistes of our times and also one of the proudest and smartest. 'There is no such thing as negative publicity' and this should definitely set the cash registers ringing across the Vishva (world) for the movie. FYI, I've already bought my ticket.
That leaves us with Sharukh. The Khan in his sunset. While he's dating the VH1 baptized Piggy Chops (Priyanka Chopra), his be`te noire and my favorite, Salman Khan is Da-bbanging Bolloywood. SRK's desi superhero Ra-One, wasn't the one. Jab Tak Hai Jaan, is already being watched by the Pakistani Army as part of their training. Place bombs inside Border, don't wear protection of any kind, run to your wife, pretend you don't remember her and drool over female TV presenters of India (do you get me Steve?). His cricket team was about to be branded as Maoists by Didi, if not for black instead of red.
Aahhh! the good old times when stars were truly unreachable, Raman ate Hussein's biryani and news was just that, news.........

WHEN WALL MET DALAL FOR A HALAL BIRYANI

Dalal steet is all set to welcome Wall street with a biryani of FDI in every sector. I'm amazed at our government's eagerness to attract foreign investors. Our desi ones are grappling with power cuts, labour issues and bribes. The neighbourhood seth Mangilal is going to be replaced with Stepahnie and Mark from Walmart. Every Tarun, David and Hussein knows what FDI means. Soon, his pension is going to fund the Americans War on Terror, whatever that means.
FDI in retail, pension, banking, education and soon, graves will be part of our daily lives. Big Brother will be watching the way you spend and the way you go to toilet. It will no longer be Indian style. Your money has to be flushed out of your stinking pockets, whether you are rich or not. FYI, your toilets will be imported for you, and given subsidies by the government, whether you have access to water or not.
Is FDI all bad news? Nope. It generates more jobs, and opens our markets to competition. Hey, you as the consumer get options to choose from. But these are not from our land. Their bottom line doesn't say "Athithi Devo Bhava". Laughing all the way to the banks, RBI included, is their motto. Globalization is out, FDI is in.

It would make sense to give our entrepreneurs a chance to showcase their talent, creativity and generate jobs. More wealth by an Indian in India would ensure a part of the profits are circulated back to the society, be it the bakery, the tin-made cigarette shop, the one-stand-one-basket paani puri bhaiyya and Ram Singh at security.
I do not understand the entire FDI rigmarole, and neither does Kamalamma, our house maid. But she knows that she has to shell out more money for her beetle leaf, 'cause the land got taken up for SEZ. Her grandson wants a McVeggie, and not kobrimithai and kodbele (Karnataka's patented dishes). And her granddaughter has to be sent to the "international school", where a pervert headmaster might have cast his dirty eyes on her.
We are remarkably resilient and can very well sustain ourselves. FDI is important, but not a necessity. Let us not go back to the pre-Independence era. Between Grey's Anatomy and Homeland (FDI shows?), i don't have time nor patience to fight another battle for my freedom.

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THE PRIME MINISTER WITH A DIAPER

Dr. Manmohan Singh is soon going to leave office, and finally let go of Sonia memsaab's pallu. Thats good for the country and him. But, it seems Rahul Gandhi aka Rahul Baba is going to take over Bharath. At the recent conclave of the Congress party, he wailed that mommy came to his room, poured out her heart that more money is required in the Swiss banks, and cried, and yada yada about the country....
We have Pakistan beheading our soldiers, Chinese overtaking us, Maosists spreading like cancer, crimes against women and inflation. We these in mind, atleast he could have motivated the youth or given a speech boring enough to receive an erect ovation of our middle finger, but he didn't. Instead he beat his man boobs that mommy cried.
Now, the Italians always had a thing for drama and opera. But to do so on national TV, in India, is an entirely different thing. Its about time Rahul Baba manned up and let go of Mommy's winkie finger. By the way, does Rahul Baba even know what it means to go cattle class, without the Safaris and the SPG bodyguards, without the AC or even wearing the same underwear for days in hot summers, toiling in the fields?

Maybe. Maybe not.

So, is pasta going to be our national diet?
Lamborgini and Ferrari our new Ambassador?
Italian beauties presenting prime time news?
Suits and ties for the politicians?
Italian Godfathers replacing our bhais?
Give public figures (males only, Silvio Berlusconi style) more freedom to have affairs?
 These would be welcome changes to showcase the world that once again, we have a foreign power ruling over us. That we, as Indians, will never learn our lessons, either in classrooms or in real life. No wonder the British left us, knowing fully well that some day or the other, they will return. They didn't, but the Italians did. And now, we are left with a Prime Minister in diapers all set to rule us. Bharath Ma....no wait, Italian Mata ki  Jai.

OF BARKING DOGS AND HEADLESS CHICKENS

Gandhi, to this day, is remembered as Bapu, thanks to Sanju aka Munna Bhai. In the North, villagers still refer to their fathers as Bapu. But there is one Bapu who has beaten them all and is in the limelight. He is the BigDaddy of all Bapus. Lets hear it for Asaram Bapu.
The holy guy made a comment that made the nation say "Holy Cow!" in unison. When an apology was demanded of him, he simply called his critics "Barking Dogs". It would have been better if he had specified the breed.
 Anyways, this reminded me of another incident not so long ago. An Indian diplomat called the media "Headless Chickens". Even in this case, the diplomat did not specify whether he meant Tandoori or grill. But it sure brewed a media storm and how! I believe the guy was asked to quit and serve an apology.
The context in which these "wise men" made the statements may differ, but they are right in defining the media. Arnab Goose-wami, Sagarika Gosh-i-don't-believe-this, Karan Tap-shout-kar and the piece-de-resistance, Aaj-nahi-to-kal-Tak can and will put any army on the run. Imagine what they can do in your living room. Dr Brain Weiss, author of 'Many Lives, Many Masters', can sell another million, if he goes into 'Many Channels, Many Idiots'.
Aamir Khan made sense when he said that he sticks to The Hindu and Doordarshan. Simple presentation, devoid of drama queens and best of all, soft on the senses. Private news channels are best kept out of our private lives and bedrooms.
Yes, the scams and corruption they expose bring a sense of pride on them. But, like the Zee incident showed , even they can be bought, filmed and pooh-poohed at. Moreover, many of channels are funded by biggies, both political and industrial.
There is a silver lining in this. Starting now, its time we "honor" them for their efforts. Just like the Rasberry awards mocking Oscars, the "Barking Dog and Headless Chicken Award" will, if i may say, appreciate the foolishness and sheer stupidity of our media's really MAD MEN,& WOMEN. Nominations anyone?

A LEMON TREE WITHOUT LEMONS

On Monday evening, our family had a dine-out at a newly opened restaurant. "Lemon Tree-The real taste of Arabia" was the place. For starters, my experience with anything with the word 'real' has not been good. With Owaisi's hate speech and Pakistan's intrusion, anything with the Muslim world displayed on the board is  trouble. But thankfully, the sleepy town of Mysore rarely bothers about anything that happens outside the city.
In a few minutes, we figured out the place is run by Mallus RETURNED from Arabia. So much for "real taste". The menu was an English teacher's nightmare, with glaring spelling mistakes. I was glad that 'Pot Biryani' did not become "Potty Biryani". We ordered Chettinad fish, mutton chops and chicken.
Being Mallus, atleast they should have been experts in fish. Being Arabia-returned, they should have atleast got the mutton right. Nada. The fish seemed it was caught yesterday, strangled to death in the morning and dumped into the curry for us. The mutton, if served to an Arab, would cause him to draw his sword, AK-47 and kill everyone. It was raw. I'm pretty sure that raw meat, no matter where in Arabia, is not served to guests in name of "real taste".
The biryani was colourful. Yellow rice, brown chicken and it tasted funny. The gravy and raitha were akin to water, with a dash of curd and leftover vegetables. The shawarmas, a dish with veggies and chicken rolled in dough, was like the Arabian oil. Greasy and heavy. The only saving grace was the egg parotha, thankfully with real eggs, though i'm not sure of which animals.
For a place named Lemon Tree, the only piece of lemon that was served to us was in the washing bowl, that too a teeny-weeny one. This place is a must avoid, even if you are from La-La Mallu Land. There are better places on the roadside, quality food at a great price, with all the fun of open air. Or better, cook at home.

TASTE: 4/10
AMBIENCE: 5/10
SERVICE: 6/10
VALUE FOR MONEY: 1/10

KIRAN BEDI'S "SHOUT- IT- LOUD IDIOT BOX"

"We have Kiran Bedi to discuss the police handling of the protest".
"Joining us is Kiran Bedi to shed light on the black money".
"Kiran Bedi is here to change the diapers"
OK. That last one is yet to happen. But, every time i switch on the news, Kiran Bedi is all i see. Any topic, any channel, she seems to be the go-to person of the media. She echoes the channels' style of shouting it loud and using drama. "A drought of humanity and compassion.. and this and that"; how come she represents  what Indian women stand for? She certainly doesn't go in a saree, has a pension and government land in her name. Karan Thapar, in his unique and often irritating style, had almost managed to grill her. Rumor is, when she saw the list of questions that were to be put to her, she backed out. So much for crying out loud.
Yes, she modified the prison system and did something brave, very brave. She took charge of Tihar and modified the convicts with Yoga. Hey, she even towed away Indira Gandhi's car for a parking violation. Check out Wikipedia for a crashcourse on her life. 'Yes Madam, Sir' is a documentary on her life and is apparently sweeping awards at film festivals around the world. Hats off to the woman who made the film and to Kiran Bedi.
But this happened when she was working for the government and drew her salary from the babus. Now, the ex-officer is accused of draining money from NGOs for her travel. Her flag waiving antics certainly did not help the cause of the Lokpal.
If we want a real opinion, i believe it would be better to ask those cute faces on TV who read the news. We forget that they are women, and have to maintain composure, from switching to movies from rape. They are more than the face of the channel, and even they have opinions, which they cannot voice.
As for Kiran Bedi, it would be a welcome break not to see her howling or even better, to see less of her. We understand English and we can grasp news. Period.